Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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