the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
