I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He shit in the fireplace
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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