Please, let me fuck your mom
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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