Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
