Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
