wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
