I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Are my feet made of real feet?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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