This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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