Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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