I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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