i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
