i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
