I think I died a long time ago.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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