If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
