i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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