i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
