i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
