I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
