It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
