proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
