Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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