i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
