you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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