burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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