I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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