you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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