Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
