I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
