And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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