3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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