fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My dick has a subreddit
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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