Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
