ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
