If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
