Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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