He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
