Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
