Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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