stop calling my apartment porn island.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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