i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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