I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize
