why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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