either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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