My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
