nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I want you more than these girls want KFC
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
