Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
