Screwed.edu
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
