My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
