I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
