According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
