everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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