Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
