im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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